This Shit Crazy!

First thing first I Feel Great! No I did not wake up like this, I woke up to a fucking anxiety attack but I’m good now. So if you don’t already know I was diagnosed with Manic Bipolar and Depression and Generalized Anxiety. This shit be having me feeling all kind of ways. For instance my anxiety makes my brain spin, I am always thinking about something and 90% of the time I’m thinking the worst. I make up different scenarios, (like being at home alone, or out with the kids, or driving over a bridge) then I play them out in my head and try to prepare myself for if it ever happens. I do this all day every day and believe me it is tiring and depressing. It makes me not want to go places and if I do I’m on alert. Which means I’m not going to enjoy myself or relax until I get back home. Then when I get home I will have an anxiety attack because I was “holding it in” while out in public, and fall asleep! Depending on how I feel the next day I either get up and try again or stay around the house in fear of having another attack. Most of the time I want to try again, I don’t like to feel like mental illness is stronger than me, but in my times of weakness I don’t try at all. I feel alone and indivisible. No one understands me or what I am going through. Although I am cooking for a family, clocking in at work and standing in line at the grocery store, no one really sees me! I will call my friends but I won’t let them come over. I’m not very pleasant to be around at times like this, but I want you to stick around and take what I dish out. I expect you to understand. The feelings are very strong and my mind is just so convinced. Nothing you or I can say to make me feel better. I don’t even believe my own words. I feel sad, pathetic, lonely and angry. Everything but HAPPY!  I feel that all I can do is just go with the flow and wait for Happy. The wait has lasted anywhere from a few hours to the longest being about nine months. Nine months of feeling like Hot Shit and not having the energy or inspiration to do anything about it! Recently I found Happy, which is why I am able to share these unpleasant feelings and thoughts, and not let them affect my mood. But you better believe somewhere in my head I’m preparing for the next episode.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s