This Shit Crazy!

First thing first I Feel Great! No I did not wake up like this, I woke up to a fucking anxiety attack but I’m good now. So if you don’t already know I was diagnosed with Manic Bipolar and Depression and Generalized Anxiety. This shit be having me feeling all kind of ways. For instance my anxiety makes my brain spin, I am always thinking about something and 90% of the time I’m thinking the worst. I make up different scenarios, (like being at home alone, or out with the kids, or driving over a bridge) then I play them out in my head and try to prepare myself for if it ever happens. I do this all day every day and believe me it is tiring and depressing. It makes me not want to go places and if I do I’m on alert. Which means I’m not going to enjoy myself or relax until I get back home. Then when I get home I will have an anxiety attack because I was “holding it in” while out in public, and fall asleep! Depending on how I feel the next day I either get up and try again or stay around the house in fear of having another attack. Most of the time I want to try again, I don’t like to feel like mental illness is stronger than me, but in my times of weakness I don’t try at all. I feel alone and indivisible. No one understands me or what I am going through. Although I am cooking for a family, clocking in at work and standing in line at the grocery store, no one really sees me! I will call my friends but I won’t let them come over. I’m not very pleasant to be around at times like this, but I want you to stick around and take what I dish out. I expect you to understand. The feelings are very strong and my mind is just so convinced. Nothing you or I can say to make me feel better. I don’t even believe my own words. I feel sad, pathetic, lonely and angry. Everything but HAPPY!  I feel that all I can do is just go with the flow and wait for Happy. The wait has lasted anywhere from a few hours to the longest being about nine months. Nine months of feeling like Hot Shit and not having the energy or inspiration to do anything about it! Recently I found Happy, which is why I am able to share these unpleasant feelings and thoughts, and not let them affect my mood. But you better believe somewhere in my head I’m preparing for the next episode.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s